Sometimes our attachments aren't as easy to strengthen as we imagine. Several months after my second child was born, I developed an inexplicable and totally debilitating neuralgia in my hand.
Suddenly all the tools I had relied on with my firstborn and felt passionately about, were becoming redundant.
Carrying my baby in my arms or a sling was causing electric shock like pain.
I didn't want to drop her!
To breastfeed I had to make her sit upright with as little weight on me as possible. I weaned her at 3 years old, despite being a breastfeeding counsellor and campaigner for full term breastfeeding.
Co-sleeping worked in the early days but as she got older and the condition worsened I had to concentrate so hard to fall asleep and her movements would wake me.
She joined her dad and big brother in the room next door. I couldn’t and still can’t actually even cuddle my children very well. I can lie on my side with my arm around someone for a few seconds before shooting pain forces me to move. Even when cuddling on the sofa, my kids know not to lean on me from the left side.
So how can we strengthen connection when we can’t do basic things like hold? Breastfeed, carry, co-sleep, or cuddle?
Thankfully I came across
Hand in Hand Parenting, which offers
5 pragmatic tools to build parent child connection. And none of these tools relied on physical capability! They are also tools that all parents can use to create strong connection regardless of their parenting style and choices.
Listen
I listen to my children when they need to offload upset. We call this
Staylistening. Instead of distracting, fixing or reassuring, we help children to stay with their feelings of upset. This supports them to expressed their feelings through the body. For an outline of what kinds of things to say check out this
article
Special Time
I make Special Time, where for a focused period of time I do nothing but delight in them and play whatever they want to play. I announce “I’m all yours! What do you want to play?” We set a timer and I follow their lead. I try to get this in for
at least 5 mins with each child per day, but even once a week can make a difference.
Set Limits
I set limits in a way that feels safe, containing and brings us into connection. When we take responsibility for physically putting a stop to off track behaviour we
don’t need to be coercive; threatening, pleading, bribing, shaming or punishing in any way. Well held boundaries strengthen the feelings of security.
Play Giggles
I use play to diffuse tension and let them take the more powerful role. It’s amazing how quickly a
child becomes co-operative when you give them the upper hand and get them giggling. I'd get their shoes and pretend to squabble about who got put on first last time! Or I'd be absolutely stumped when they beat your super fast run
again! These silly games can be a remedy for the powerlessness children are faced with on a daily basis.
Listening Partner
I take regular time to
resource myself through dumping out all my own frustrations, worries and upsets. This means they don't get in the way of me being able to be present and responsive.
I grieve that I’m not able to hold my babies close, but I actually don’t feel our connection has suffered at all.
In fact, now that I understand children’s emotions and the need to recover from upsets through emotional release, I feel more connected than ever before.
Many of our children’s difficult behaviours are actually an
indirect request for connection. These pragmatic tools have been a joy to use and can strengthen your attachments too.
